Queen Malicia of St. Canard

@Negaduck "I'm impressed... you can actually pull off the knee-length heel. Or is it crotch length in your case?"

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Age: Perfect
Species: Duckubus
Gender: Queen
Occupation: Beautiful gorgeous supervillain
About

Well it all started a couple decades or so ago. Just a few mind you, for I am but a young a nubile creature. I was born in Transylvania to a powerful magical couple. My mother was quite the talented healer, or so I've been told. I wouldn't know because she died the night I was born. That's fine though, because I fared quite well on my own. I was a very talented and proficient spell-caster, even at a young age. That's why I was sent to the Eldritch Academy of Enchantment to hone my abilities. School was overrated unfortunately, nothing but politics and stuck-up elitists obsessed with their family bloodlines. They were all just jealous of my natural abilities and beautiful visage. You should've seen how many of them wanted to bed me! Not just the men, the women as well. Why, I had a few couples where both the girlfriend and the boyfriend were sleeping with me but neither knew of the others' infidelity. Which, by the way? Not worth the drama. Anyway, Morgana was the most jealous of them all. Can you believe she pretended to be my best friend from toddler to teen-hood? Propping me up, telling me I had 'so much potential', telling me how we'd make it through school together and start a business together. HAH! Then you know what she did? Jammed a knife into my back! Not literally, I suppose. But she may as well! She got me expelled! All because she was scared of my potential, scared of the power I had accrued. She couldn't handle being a second-rate sorceress living forever in the shadow of my brilliance! It's sad really. But I learned at a young age that you really cannot trust anyone, including your family! Good riddance I say! Anyway, I got kicked out of school, kicked out of my home, and then kicked out of the country. Gave me some quality time to do some soul-searching in Europe though. First, I tried to live the 'honest' life, got myself a waitressing job at a local Boobers restaurant. It went well for awhile, you should have seen the tips I was pulling in! But then one night this particularly impertinent patron decided to place his unattractive hands upon my derriere, so I set him on fire. And then he in turn set the restaurant on fire. I was forced to flee, with the police on my tail for some silly 'arson' charge even though that clearly was not that case. After that I moved on to different cities, found my own way of making money. I collected magical items at that time, and tried to get into selling them as well. That bloody Elder Council loves to crack down on that nonsense however, but St. Canard is lovely because it's under their radar. Speaking of, I arrived here shortly after I read an article about Morgana opening her shoddy restaurant. Thought it was about time she and I had a little family reunion. Did you know she dated Darkwing? Fortunately he got a clue and realized what a stuck-up treacherous hag she really is. Anyway, it wasn't long after I arrived that I was at the mall where I ran into this gold-selling booth. You know, trade your gold in, they give you money. Well who would guess that the 'buyer' at the booth was Negaduck! He thought he could swindle me out of my gold by offering me a few measly dollars! The joke was on him though because I enchanted a few rocks and handed those over, leaving with my money. Of course, I didn't know Negaduck at all and didn't realize how petty that idiot could be. You know what he did? He comes barging into the Old Haunt bar and starts demanding I repay him, and then he launches me into orbit with an explosive! I thought he had gotten it all out of his system after that but nooo, you know what he did next? He went to every single shoe store in St. Canard and stole the right shoe from every single set in my size! And then he threw them into a trash compactor! The maniac! That's how I met Darkwing, actually. He was investigating the shoe scandal, or more specifically the remains of the shoe stores after I might have lost my temper and burned them all to the ground. It was a misunderstanding, really. Anyway, I was so charmed by him from the get-go, and his ability to best Negaduck at every turn! We met again later on when I was at a pickle factory collecting jars and of course Negaduck was there being Negaduck and tried to crush me under a few tons of barrels. He's obsessed with me, did you know that? Who goes out of their way to steal every shoe in my size unless they're infatuated with me? I mean, you can't blame him for it, but he's still a total waste of oxygen! Anyway, Darkwing and I both teamed up and throttled him which, by the way, did you know pickle brine is flammable? The whole factory burnt down unfortunately, but we bested Negaduck. Then Darkwing and I went on a date after that, and can you believe he thought it was a good idea to take us to Morgana's restaurant? I know he meant well... and it was amazing because I was able to gloat in Morgana's face and make her even more jealous. But then she tried to sabotage our food --I'd expect nothing less from a woman who deludes herself into thinking she's a professional -- and then I slapped her in the face with an entree. We left after that, without tipping her of course, and then he and I went back to my place and we had mind-blowingsex. You mallards really know how so handle I woman, I'll give you that. Anyway, he took me on a second date to this cooking class, which, again, I appreciate the effort on his part, but an odd choice. Well the chef there turned out to be some sort of tyrant and then he came after us just because a few things exploded and the sprinkler system was set off! So we ditched the class and he took me back to his place. Don't remember it very well but he's got all these fancy high-tech gadgets and such. Anyway, he plugged in this flash drive I found on the ground and it had this weird video game on it. I don't really understand computer stuff myself, but he seemed into it. That was also a good night for both of us, though, if you know what I mean. Now we're close to making it official although I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to something serious. That isn't really my lifestyle, you know? But I do like Darkwing a lot. He's handsome, and smart, and courageous. Not like that nasty, STI-infected double of his. I'm not talking about you, of course, I mean Negaduck. Did I mention Negaduck tried to kiss me at the pickle factory? Then tried to murder me? What is wrong with him?! Don't answer that, I think there's too many things wrong, in fact I think listing off everything wrong with Negaduck would create a wall of non-stop writing that no sane person could possibly get through. But enough about him, let's talk more about me. So I've finally started a really successful business selling magical wares. I spooked Darkwing a bit when I showed him my soul collection, I forget you Normals get so uncomfortable about that sort of thing. I think that's linked to your society's religious tendencies. Souls are great and all -- and by the way, don't ever sell yours -- but where I'm front they also double as currency. I've always loved soulenomics by the way, it was my best subject in school. You know, I ought to show you my collection at some point, I have some amazing specimens. There's this one famous Normal vocalist of yours, your society likes to joke that he's still alive and was just abducted by aliens. But really, he's just stuck in one of my mason jars, isn't that hilarious? Where was I? Oh, yes more about me. Well, my favourite colour is crimson orange and I love that 'iced cream' you Normals invented. Your music isn't half-bad either, did you know it was outlawed where I'm from? Something about Normal music being a 'good influence' so naturally all us young teens listened to it. My shoe size is a perfect 20 and I adore the shopping district in this city. It's no Paris, mind, but I've enjoyed the malls immensely. My other hobbies are soul collecting, as you well know, and wine tastings. Although for some ridiculous reason they expect you to spit out the wine rather than drink it? How ludicrous is that?! What a waste of a fine vintage! I always swallow though, I'm not a spitter. Perhaps I should take Darkwing for a wine tasting, do you think he would enjoy that? Granted, being in my presence in general is enjoyable so perhaps I'll book the next tour for us. I actually just purchased this adorable set of lingerie for him too... not for him to wear I mean, for ME, but I'm sure he'll appreciate it too. I tried it on earlier and could not peel myself away from the mirror for a full three hours! I am just so gorgeous you know? With my type of beauty, you need to take the time to cherish it, admire it. That's why I'm a model too, did I mention that? This lovely woman who runs a magazine called 'Chicks With Chainsaws' took a keen interest in me and I get free shoes out of the deal! I haven't done a shoot in awhile, mind you, been too busy with my side-business and Darkwing. I should get you a copy of the magazine, you'll no doubt appreciate my raw talent. I have an entire stack of copies in the back, perhaps I'll go grab one. Well I had mentioned my love of collecting souls, didn’t I? I was among the most proficient back in school and I excelled in the subject. You should have seen the academic papers I wrote on the properties of reincarnated souls and their many uses in the common kitchen. Did you know that souls are worth more based on the number of times they have been reincarnated? You new-agey types sometimes speak of ‘Old souls’ and yet you have no idea what it truly means to have lived countless lives over the millennia! There’s rumor that the oldest soul of this known universe still walks the Earth to this very day but not a single soulologist can confirm the identity of the individual. The oldest known soul in recorded history dates back to an Ancient Greek Civilization and can you believe it’s currently in the body of an obnoxious Internet personality right now?? But that happens sometimes, a weak soul-mind connection, that is, so you’ll get Old Souls that aren’t acting like old souls. Especially when the souls end up in your Normals because you have no idea what you’re doing half the time anyway! That’s how we end up with politicians have the time, you know. But in monster society we understand souls and from a very early age can tease out memories of our past lives to gather wisdom. Oh! Speaking of while we’re on the subject of me I could even enlighten you about my past lives. It was part of one of the higher-level soul-reaping courses you know, to study our own souls. As you can probably tell, I have led many lives full of enrichment and knowledge. I am incredibly intelligent and experienced considering that my soul is younger! But I did learn about a few of the lives I led, did you know I was once the Queen of an Ancient Underground Civilization of Insect people? I was treated as a Goddess and rightfully so! Clearly something the fools of this lifetime need to understand. But anyway my reign was long and glorious until some foolish ‘uprising’ took place just because a few measly slaves were angry with my riches and power! And sadly my life came to an end at their hands, but it was a good practice-run for this lifetime where I will no doubt take my place as True Royalty. But before that there was another lifetime where I was once the wife to some slovenly psychotic Baron who enjoyed torturing innocent townspeople and sleeping with everything that moved. In fact to this day he has several bloodlines of children that have trickled into your society although I cannot for the life keep track of them all because there were a lot even for the average ancestor. I do believe your Normal genealogists have traced back a large amount of your country’s population to this one conqueror. To think I was married to him! Truly I did not get the love, admiration and adoration I deserved. Not like you, who is clearly a gentleman and understands the value of a TRUE lady. Anyway, back to me and how amazing I am. So I was incredibly gifted and knowledgeable in soul reaping, right? At one point the SOSR was looking to recruit me! That stands by Society of Soul Reapers by the way, you know, much like the Grim Reapers except they deal with the soul extraction the grims deal with the physical body and mind. Well I had this one jealous classmate of mine who could NOT stand how much she paled in comparison to me and was constantly sabotaging my work and assignments. Then for our final assignment which for some foolish reason had to be a GROUP assignment I was partnered with her which was just awful because the foolish wench couldn’t tell the difference between a Lesser soul and a Lesserer soul, it’s really not that complicated! And I am certain she was purposely splitting the workload incorrectly in order to set me up as some sort of lazy nitwit who can’t complete her half of the work, plus she took all the good content for herself. But I couldn’t prove she was trying to undermine me so instead I decided to lure her into a trap by advertising a fake Soul Symposium and baited her into a dark corner of the school where I planned to confront her and make it clear who the smarter student was! But then there was a small error in my calculations and when she arrived at the target spot and I had planned to sweep out mightily, in my most magnificent robes with my perfect hair as perfect as always, and instead I may or may not have accidentally knocked her into a portal that leads to an unknown and probably quite dark and torturous dimension which she got sucked into and was never heard from again! But it was her fault, really, because she was distracting me when I was trying to cast a confession curse on her and who knew that mixing up the latin words for ‘truth’ and ‘gateway’ would send her into an eternal darkness filled with torture, misery, and neverending puns? In any case, I got an A+ in the assignment so that’s really what matters here. I am still so disappointed I never saw through my full education but what can you do when you have a treacherous cousin who constantly wants the spotlight on herself? Well after I was kicked out of Eldritch Academy I had nowhere to go, as they essentially banished me from our society at large. By this point my Father vanished anyway so I had nowhere to live and no way to feed myself and that’s when I decided I was tired of sorcerers and wizards and all those other magical fools with their stuffy old rules. I figured I would fare better among the Normals so I took my chances and traveled across Europe. I did quite a bit of a sight-seeing at the time, for a civilization that is clearly suffering from a severe case of arrested development you have managed to excel in some areas! Back in school our History of Normal Civilization class was several centuries outdated so imagine my surprise when I discovered you were not all riding horse-back and living as peasants at the mercy of plagues and royalty as you all push out your 12th child to tend to your farms. Instead I discovered… shoes. And my WHAT a discovery that was, probably the greatest of your kind! See, back home, we don’t wear shoes. Shoes weren’t really a ‘thing’ because monsters come in so many shapes and sizes it simply made no sense to manufacture shoes for every hoof and claw and tentacle. But you Normals are all rather dull and look the same which must be why your shoes look amazing, as you need SOMETHING to make yourselves stand out. Why, I still remember the first pair of shoes I purchased… I had ended up in Italy and was living on my last dollar. So I had to look for a job and this was back before I realized I could just TAKE what I wanted, so I started working as a waitress in a number of cafes. I drew a lot of attention for my appearance, your kind just has never really laid eyes on a Goddess before so I can understand why you were all drawn in my magnanimous personality and stunning beauty. But have I ever mentioned how much you men love to use the word ‘Exotic’? That was the word I kept hearing day in and day out by the men who would leave me their number on slips of paper. “Never seen someone quite as exotic as you”, “I love exotic women”, “Where are you from, you look so exotic”, truly you all need to be a little more creative! Well in any case, I quickly pulled in enough money on tips alone to buy those shoes and I will never forget the moment I slipped my perfect feet inside… it was like that fairytale with the Princess who beats an old hag to death with a poisoned apple and then steals her shoes and they fit perfectly which woos in a handsome Prince – at least I think that’s how the story goes – anyways, that was me. I was that beautiful Princess, soon to be a Queen with the way I was looking! But then I wanted MORE shoes but given that I am an exquisite lady I naturally have exquisite taste which meant I could not afford all of the shoes on my meagre waitressing job. Then one of my coworkers told me I could make extra money at night if I was willing to be ‘creative’ and at first I was insulted, thinking she meant I would excel as some sort of common whore. But it turns out she was talking about this night club where women titillate men on stage in lush outfits and sing and dance. Well, I just LOVE to sing so I signed up immediately! But sadly after my first performance they told me that my voice was just SO amazing and SO powerful that all of the spectators were overwhelmed. Much like how gazing upon a God for too long can cause blindness, I suppose that hearing my perfect pitch just ruined every other form of singing because how could you possibly enjoy any other singer when you’ve already heard perfection? But they DID enjoy my dancing and told me to keep doing that, and so I performed there in costume for awhile. But then I discovered many of the Normals thought my tail and claws were part of the costume! I was rather insulted, do I look like a costume to you?! Then this one particular patron who was incredibly loud and grabby thought he could pull my tail off to ‘prove’ it was fake and he yanked on it so hard I could feel my spine lurch! Well I had enough of THAT so after I crawled out of the wreckage of the building after it mysteriously exploded I decided it was time to move on to somewhere new… after all there were still more shoes to discover! And did I mention I also found ice cream around this time? That’s also another delicacy my society is severely lacking in and one of your greater inventions. So my time travelling is a bit blurry… my was it fun though, moving from country to country, buying shoes and eating ice cream. I met this one businessman in, Prague, I believe it was, and we hit it off well. He told me he had begun doing business with some sort of big leagues world organization of something-or-the-other and was selling them weaponry and other gadgets. You have to understand I had NO need or interest in your archaic weaponry when I already had magic on my side. But he was keen on showing me just how useful firearms can be and so I let him teach me some of the mechanics behind it all. Admittedly it was all quite fascinating and my time with him would pave the path toward my present career here in St. Canard. Well it probably wouldn’t shock you when I reveal that this man fell deeply in love with me –how could he not? – and he even proposed to me! Said we could ‘usher in a new era for the military industrial complex’ or some sort of nonsense that sounded rather boring to me but he said we would rule the world. Well that sounded fun to me, being in a business contract with this rich powerful man, think of all the shoes! So I said yes and we had our wedding date all planned out. But then he got upset later on when I was sleeping with his secretary, said I was ‘cheating’ on him or some nonsense. How was I supposed to know that marriage meant you can’t date other people?! Can you just imagine? Living with the same person for the rest of your life? Being intimate with only them? How boring is that?! I could NEVER wear the same pair of shoes or eat the same flavor of ice cream for the rest of my life, how is this any different? Well he wasn’t happy about that let me tell you and he even thought he could intimidate me into remaining loyal to him only! Anyway I decided to walk away from it all like a good mature adult does but then my finger accidentally slipped when I was in his office and I accidentally set him and his corporation on fire and that in turn attracted law enforcement which in turn uncovered all of the illegal nonsense he was engaged in so I guess he was incarcerated or something. Can’t remember to be honest, I didn’t keep up with the story in the news but really it’s awfully rude to expect someone to stay with ONE person for the rest of their lives together. That was more Morgana’s thing you know, even when we were in school together she seemed keen on finding ‘the one’ and was in love with this one dope she thought was perfect even though his hands sure loved to fall on my thighs a lot. Anyway, he ended up ditching her on prom night and we never did find his other eyeball after that. I know everyone says I am the hot-headed one but CLEARLY they have not met Morgana! Anyway, I can’t help it if everyone falls in love with me, can you blame them? I mean no doubt even YOU must be ready to propose that this point given how much interest you’ve taken in me, so I will be fair and tell you that I am not interested in marriage but I’m flattered anyway! Although the engagement rings I see nowadays are quite stunning so I am open to the ring part, just not the marriage part. Oh that reminds me, I never did talk about the first time I broke the law. It was an accident, can you imagine? I was at a jewelry store doing some window-shopping and some rich old hag was DRENCHED in this awful perfume that seemed to irritate my allergies and the next thing I knew I was sneezing left and right! Did I mention I sneeze fire? Well before I knew it the whole shop was on fire and I felt terrible! I just had to rescue all that poor jewelry before it melted so I started grabbing everything I could possible fit in my arms and took it with me. But then the police showed up and they were pointing guns at me and seemed to be under the impression I had intentionally set the store on fire to STEAL everything! Can you imagine? So I panicked and fled with all these shiny objects and to be honest I never had a chance to return them because I thought they’d just arrest me on sight! You know, that’s how Darkwing and I met too, did I mention that? Again, not like I was TRYING to set those shoe stores on fire but if these snooty store owners wouldn’t be so RUDE I wouldn’t be forced to blow up their stores! It’s hard sometimes you know? Being this beautiful and powerful and brilliant can be a burden but nobody understands that. I have to constantly deal with envious power-hungry witches and left-shoe-stealing psychopaths and haunted puppets all because they feel inferior in my presence and want to prove a point to themselves. And having all these people constantly falling in love with me too, especially the ugly unlovable ones. I mean I’m sure they’re nice or something and no doubt they’ll someday meet someone just as ugly as they are so they have an ugly family together but do they really think they have a chance with me? Sigh, it’s just so hard, being the most attractive creature on this planet because I’ve yet to find anyone who can satisfy me like I can! Oh but don’t get me wrong, Darkwing is VERY handsome and I like him a lot. I especially love it when his voice gets all low and growly, it just sends shivers up my spine. I know he’s supposed to be some sort of crimefighter or hero or whatever but he sure knows how to have fun. That’s what it comes down to really, a partner who loves to have fun but is also breathtakingly attractive and worships the ground I walk on. It’s not too much to ask for you know? Well anyway, I’ve had all sorts of fun partners over the years but they always get so bent out of shape about one thing or another, I think most of them just can’t TRULY appreciate me or they start to feel inferior in my presence and again, it’s hard to hold that against them. I just wish I could meet someone with my beauty, my wit, my stunning intelligence and personality. That’s the problem with this world, not enough people out there who are exactly like me. In all my travels I’ve never met anyone who could measure up and I’m beginning to think I’m simply one of a kind! Such a blessing and a curse, being so unique but also growing bored with others who aren’t so unique. You boring mediocre types are fortunate in that sense, you can find just about anyone who will suit your requirements because what requirements do you really need?  Do you think maybe I should become one of those motivational speakers you see on the Internet who stands up in front of crowds and talks about how amazing they are? “How to be more interesting like me” is what I could call it! At least then you’d all have SOME possibility of becoming more like me! You know who needs to be more like me? This young woman I met who owns a bookstore downtown…. Lana? Linkle? Louis? Anyway she really likes hugging people it’s a bit off-setting if I’m being completely honest and I think she could benefit from one of these educational seminars I could be teaching. Perhaps I should do a trial run on her first and before opening up my seminars to the public? Let’s see… I should make a list of important steps for becoming more like me. Step one would be to ‘accessorize and demonize’, naturally, and I suppose I should get in touch with one of those plastic surgery clinics here in town to see if they’ll offer discount breast augmentation because the poor girls in this city could badly benefit from that and it’s also a MUST for becoming more like me. Then I suppose the next step would be how to make everyone fall hopelessly in love with you by being so amazing and beautiful. Hmm… that step might be tricky for some of these people though, some of them are just SO irritating and self-conceited and lacking in any depth but I suppose that’s a part of the challenge you know? I think I’ll need a good tagline for this all I was thinking, ‘If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best’ which is like my life mantra that I invented for myself. It just rings do true you know? Granted, I only really HAVE a best, so it’s hard to compare anything relative to it, but still, I think it reveals just how deep and insightful I truly am.

 

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    • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
      Queen Malicia of St. Canard

      "But of course. Feel free to fork it over anytime, I promise I'll take good care of it."

      • Black Arts Beagle
        Black Arts Beagle

        I going to get it back once I handle this problem. I'm not dumb enough to permanently give up my soul, Even if it is a little underused.

        • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
          Queen Malicia of St. Canard

          "... You want to give your soul? To me? That seems rather reckl- er, I mean. Of course! I'd be happy to help."

          • Black Arts Beagle
            Black Arts Beagle

            Pardon me, Mrs. Malicia, but I have gotten a little over my head with a pesky undead henchman...could I perhaps "rent" you my soul for a temorary power boost until i get it under control.

            • Negaduck
              Negaduck

              "Hey there babeh... mind if I put my feet all up on you."

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