Because your Kiss is on Mal's List

"You begged! You PLEADED! And your Malevolent Mistress of Malice has taken pity on us all! I am delighted to present the first outside contribution to Care of the Dog from the lovely and brilliant Miss Malicia! "

---Malicia Macawber's OFFICIAL Top Kiss List (more creative title pending)---

#5 LAUNCHPAD MCQUACK – He’s an ace pilot and some say, an ace kisser. Local lunk Launchpad Mcquack with his ‘boy next door’ persona will make you relive your first kiss all over again. Although you may be competing for lip-time with an extra-sized Hippo burger and fries. Just be careful, word has it he is good at crashing planes… and hearts. 
 
#4 GLADSTONE GANDER – They say he’s lucky in life but is he lucky in love? Popular opinion says that Gladstone knows how to treat a lady right. If you’re looking for a man who coined the definition of ‘luxury’ in the dictionary, then this dreamboat will give you the time of your life. There may be more than just a pot of gold waiting at the end of this leprechaun’s rainbow.
 
#3 GIZMODUCK – Duckburg’s most beloved hero may not be number one on the kiss list, but this gorgeous writer can personally assure you that he’s more than just cold metal. Gizmoduck is the gentleduck you’ve all dreamed him to be, and every kiss will leave you wondering how such a pure soul exists in this world or any other. Not to mention, those gadgets hiding in his suit of his are put to good, creative use…
 
#2 NEGADUCK – Like every other aspect of his life, St. Canard’s local “bad boy” sits squarely in second place. But don’t underestimate this rugged Romeo, ladies. Negaduck will take you to places that would make Christian Grey blush more than fifty shades. His special brand of wanton lust makes even the simplest kiss feel like a passion-fueled romp in the backseat of a monster truck as it pulverizes the St. Canard bunny orphanage. Just a word of caution, dear readers: He’s a biter. Although from what I’ve heard, that may sit well with several members of the populace…
 
#1. QUIVERWING DUCK – We’ve finally reached our top kisser of them all, dear readers. Beneath the plumed hat and skirt hides a raging inferno of testosterone and a level of brooding normally reserved for vampire romance novels. Quiverwing Duck is the ‘goldilocks’ of kissers with a perfect combination of fierce passion and a dash of softer affection. This writer can speak from personal experience when she says: He’ll make you feel juuuust right.
 
 
(DIS)HONORABLE MENTION: Of course, not everyone can pride themselves on being a good kisser and that’s why I, your trustworthy writer, feel it is my moral duty to keep you well-informed to save you all from a wasted night out.  
 
Unless you’re into sloppy kisses that feel more like an enthused greeting from your pet pooch (no offense, Rebarka)* then steer clear of DARKWING DUCK, St. Canard’s egotistical vigilante of the night. He’s got a big mouth, and he knows how to use it… to talk a big game. Sadly, dear readers, I can personally attest that this daring duck of mystery’s motto is more to the tune of ‘let’s get dangerous…ly disappointed’. There’s more than just an Easter-egg ensemble setting Darkwing Duck apart from his several doppelgangers in the city, that’s for sure.
 

*Rebarka's note: None taken darling.

---

"Well there it is you love bugs!  What a spicy top five!  Good guys, bad boys, and even a little in between.  Thoughts?  Comments? Concerns?  Leave them in the comments below sweethearts and I'm sure that myself or my esteemed and STEAMY associate Ms. Malicia would gladly reply. And if any of you studs feel like barking up my tree I'm always about that research. Tee~hee!" 

 

 

    • Drake Mallard
      Drake Mallard

      "Is this 'Insult Darkwing Duck Day'?" Darkwing growls.

      • DarkwingPsycho
        DarkwingPsycho

        Jacob reviews list and chuckles, knowing never to truly believe a tabloid, but it was okay to be amused by the things they came up with.  He raises a brow of amusement at Quiverwing.  "#1, eh?  Somehow that doesn't surprise me."

        To Darkwing, he says, "Pay it no mind.  The more you react, the more it will occur."

        • Quiverwing Duck
          Quiverwing Duck

          "What can I say, we all have our innate talents. I'm sure mine is at least partly genetic."

          • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
            Queen Malicia of St. Canard

            "That's fair Quiverwing, although if you're ever interested in a bit of 'off the books' research, I'll leave you my number..."

            "Aw, Negs. Don't be such a sore loser. You'll always be #1 for 'coming in second place at everything'. That has to count for something... right?" 

            • DarkwingPsycho
              DarkwingPsycho

              A smirk.  "No doubt."

              • Darkwing Duck
                Darkwing Duck

                @Malicia "This is obviously an attempt to sabotage MY good name to get back at me for breaking up with you."  He smirks.  "You must miss me something awful..."  It figures, the ONE time a print media spells his name correctly

                • Negaduck
                  Negaduck

                  "Whatever. The only thing between me and the top spot in this case is superglue in Quiverjerk's coffee."

                  • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                    Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                    "Darkwing, darling, I'm pretty sure I did all of the breaking and upping there. Though I can understand why your brain overwrote that memory, your ego does have its own self-preservation instinct after all."

                    "Oh, Negs, Negs, Negs. You can't cheat the perfect kiss, but you could get to the top with enough practice. Maybe Quiverwing could give you some hands-on tutoring? I can moderate." 

                    • Quiverwing Duck
                      Quiverwing Duck

                      "No, no. Negaduck bit me once already. I'm not going through all of that again."

                      • Quiverwing Duck
                        Quiverwing Duck

                        "I was in quarantine for a week. How are you even alive."

                        • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                          Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                          "Hey Rebarka, are you writing this all down? Our two top mallards engaged in a very intimate spat. Negaduck is enraged at Quiverwing's blatant rejection, after Quiverwing caught a questionable infection from a very rough biting session." 

                          • Darkwing Duck
                            Darkwing Duck

                            @Malicia "You're one to talk.  You can't stand the fact that I want nothing more to do with you, so you have to make up these blatant attacks to feel better about yourself.  Typical."  He folds his arms with a superior expression.

                            • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                              Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                              "Oooooh ho ho ho ho~! Look at Darkwing Therapist over here! By the way, heard you went crawling back on your hands and knees to Morgana. How's that working out for, hmm? Knowing her, she's making you grovel just to get back into her good graces. Though really, if you're going to rebound you could have picked someone slightly higher quality. I hear the ladies over on Cheapside are having a two-for-one deal..." 

                              • Darkwing Duck
                                Darkwing Duck

                                @Malicia @QuiverwingDuck "I guess you'd know.  There's no accounting for taste.  I was too blind to see just how much more of a real woman Morgana is compared to you!  She'd never stoop so low as to spread lies about me.  Especially since I'm clearly better at everything than Quiverwing Duck."

                                • Quiverwing Duck
                                  Quiverwing Duck

                                  "Except for getting into Heroes Monthly."

                                  • Negaduck
                                    Negaduck

                                    "Yeah, can it, Darkwing Dud. The only place anyone expects to hear about your 'conquests' is the funny pages."

                                    • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                      Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                      Mal is now in the corner furiously writing. She occasionally looks up and bites her bottom lip, a soft sigh escaping her lips before she returns to her notepad. 

                                      • Agent Gemini
                                        Agent Gemini

                                        "Wow the list is all ducks. I would think lascivious demonic types would broaden their horizons."

                                        • Launchpad McQuack
                                          Launchpad McQuack

                                          “You mean like a Beagle Boy? Ought be enough of them running around to find one that isn’t in jail. Come to think of it, Mr. McDee knows a mouse with a lot of friends. I imagine some of them would participate in a kissing context. Wait, does that mean I’d have to participate to keep my placing?”  

                                          Better run, LP...

                                          • Drake Mallard
                                            Drake Mallard

                                            "LP. The thought of that suggestion sickens me."

                                            • Quackerjack
                                              Quackerjack

                                              "Why am I not on the list?? I am clearly the best kisser!"