RP: Burning Over a New Leaf

Reserved for: Malicia and Gizmoduck

It has been a month since Mal's plug-possessed rampage on St. Canard, which also ended her romantic entanglement with St. Canard's self-proclaimed hero, Darkwing Duck. After several weeks of post-magical hangover, Mal has risen from the ashes like a particularly busty phoenix and is ready for the next stage of her life. Which, evidently, requires committing a major crime. 

And so our story opens on the other side of Audubon Bay in the cleaner, fluffier and all-around more wholesome city of Duckburg. Scrooge McDuck has generously permitted the local Duckburg Museum of Antiquities to display the many treasures he has collected on his countless adventures of solving mysteries and rewriting history. Security is not as tight as one might expect and the criminal competition nowhere near as fierce. 

Clearly the perfect target for a fledgling supervillain... 

    • GizmoDuck
      GizmoDuck

      Lies.

      This was the most heavily guarded, most stalwartly sentried, trove of tchotchkes ever assembled.  Or at least that's what the guard told himself as he continued his staring contest with the portrait of Mona Lizard.  What they said was true, her nostrils really did follow you when you moved across the room. 

      Okay so maybe this was boring.

      Maybe this was really boring. 

      But what was he supposed to say? 'Sorry Mr. McDuck my heroic dance card is too full for security work?' ...well he'd tried but he'd just gotten whapped with a cane and had a day's pay withheld. So Gizmoduck was playing watchdog for a wing of whatchamacallits.  He almost wished someone would try to steal something to break up the shift.  Where were those Beagles when you needed them?

      Oh.. right, in jail after the runaway tour bus incident. What about Magica? Hm, he seemed to recall that it was eruption season on Mt. Vesuvius she probably had her caldrons fill just trying to keep her lair washing away on the lava. Well wishful thinking didn't protect Mr. McDuck's property.  He ought to do another sweep.

      "You win this round Ma'am." He tipped an imaginary cap to the painting and... well, yes, yes he did pick up a broom and start sweeping as he continued his patrol.

      • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
        Queen Malicia of St. Canard

        Master thieves must be subtle. They must bypass the most advanced security, slip in undetected, acquire the target, and leave without a trace. A truly artful heist requires grace, strategy, and self-control. 

        In which case, Malicia was absolutely not a thief. Master or otherwise.

        The first indication of this fact may have been her decision to use the stone lion out front as a battering ram to gain entrance to the moderately secure building. This in turn triggered the alarm system, and she felt the most subtle way to silence the deafening ring was to lob fireballs at any and all sources of noise. That, of course, activated the sprinkler system. 

        Which... surprisingly worked in her favor when several guards rushed to the entrance to confront her, only to skid across the slick floors and collapse in a heap. Plenty of time to bind and gag the trio before sealing them in a side-office. 

        Dusting off her hands, she advanced on the main display room, eager to pilfer..... whatever was there. Truthfully she had only skimmed the details in the newspaper, the words 'priceless' and 'shiny' had caught her eye. 

        She had never committed a real crime before. At least, not alone. Her foray into badness involved a lot of hand-holding via Negaduck, with a large side of blackmail and extortion. Even her warehouse operations, while shady, certainly had never crossed into villain territory. For all her wrongdoing, Malicia had managed to maintain a fairly clean record in St. Canard.  

        Well, relative to what normally qualified for 'criminal' over there. 

        Surprisingly, she looked forward to changing that reputation. Starting with that very lovely gold scepter gleaming beneath the display case in front of her... 

        • GizmoDuck
          GizmoDuck

          What ho! What is this? An alarm!  Oh, joy of joys! And what ho yet again! There was the intruder now! Just you wait bucko, no really wait, where did he put that dustpan?  Ah yes there it was, he tipped his sweepings into the closest urn and placed the broom in the outstretched arms of some goddess or another.  

          Yes now he was ready, he cleared his throat and revved his engine before weaving through the displays to what he hoped would be a fantastic fight with minimal property damage.

          "Halt villy~an! The Rod of Ramifications is clearly labeled as 'Do Not Touch'! That would be a breach of museum protocol and really just rather impulsive! You don't even know what it does!" Neither did he but that was beside the point.  "Gravitate your grabby hands to greener pastures if you don't want to face a fine from Gizmooooo~duck!" Sang for emphasis, timed to screech to a halt right beside the, yes very clearly labeled 'No Touchie', at the same time he did. "Now you nefarious no-ooooo-oh."

          Well.  The sight that awaited him was not at all what he was expecting. Maybe he was mistaken. Yes that must have been it.  Such a lovely lady would never be doing something as uncouth as robbing a museum surely. He cleared his throat again and gave her a little bow.

          "I apologize dear lady, I was under the impression that there was a thief in our midst, but there appears to just be a Miss't in my... midst. Ahah.. ahem.  Whatever are you doing here after hours?  Did you get separated from your tour group?" 

          • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
            Queen Malicia of St. Canard

            Deadpan stare.

            Was this... a thing? Do all these cities contain some flavor of oddly-themed superhero who would inevitably gravitate to her radiant beauty? Could she really blame them?

            "Listen here, G...Gasmoduck? Gizmoreduck? Whatever." She hissed acridly. "If you think for one moment that I'm some sort of wide-eyed helpless damsel in need of assistance then-" Cue the eyelash flutter as she ran her hands over his gleaming chest plate, tracing one claw over the embossed letter. 

            "You are absolutely correct. Please, oh please, help me!"

            What? Might as well take advantage of this golden opportunity. Especially if it got her closer to wrapping her hands around that thick, hefty rod. 

            • GizmoDuck
              GizmoDuck

              "Gizmoduck-" he supplied helpfully before she pulled out the big guns.  

              His head tilted down to watch her finger trace the emblem on his suit and he blinked. His head then tilted back up to look at those fluttering.... were they eyelashes or ... miniature brooms.  Wait, maybe he'd been doing a bit too much janitorial work on the side. Whatever they were they were very distracting, as was the rest of her. He gulped, clearly outclassed but he had made an oath to himself to help anyone in need. And here was a very vocal person in need.

              "Ah, yes of course.  It would be my honor to you help you, Miss, perhaps there's someone I can call to come pick you up? I'm afraid the museum is closed at present and I don't mean to beat a dead headless manhorse but you are technically breaking the law just being here.  Shall I escort you to the entrance-" He offered her his arm. "-and I'll see that you're off safely on your way? It's awfully late for a lady to be out alone, it can get rather dangerous." 

              Yes. Lady. 

              Also yes dangerous...

              ...for everyone else.

              • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                Her hand flew to her mouth. "Moi? Breaking the law? Why, I'd never...!" 

                She chose to shun his arm, opting instead to press her body against the front of his armor in a manner more befitting the encore to a third date. "My, you're an awfully handsome fellow up close, aren't you? What is a smart, important-looking person like yourself doing all alone in an empty place like this?"

                She gazed into his visor with half-lidded eyes, adding with a purr. "It's awfully comforting to know someone like you is here to keep an eye out for me.." 

                • GizmoDuck
                  GizmoDuck

                  "A..aha. Well, as it turns out-" Was it hot in here? "-my employer has...erm employed me to protect his possessions. Namely the uh-" he motioned to the wing at large. "-pretty shiny things in uh... here." He cleared his throat lightly. "As a result, it seems as if I may also count myself among the fortunate to have found you first as someone has set off the alarm.  Which of course means that there has been a break in! I don't mean to alarm you with the... uh... alarm talk..." Wow, words were hard. "-I assure you, young lady, that nothing shall harm you under my watch. Or even my grandfather clock if it comes to it." 

                  He looked around as if expecting to see stripe wearing sneaks creeping through the displays. 

                  "I wonder if perhaps you have seen any intruders in your travels Miss, uh-" He blanched and looked back at her earnestly. "-I am terribly sorry where are my manners? Might I have your name?" 

                  • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                    Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                    "Malicia." She smiled widely, revealing a set of fangs that would otherwise be overlooked due to a more pronounced set of somethings. "But you can call me Mal, if you'd like."

                    She glanced around warily before leaning in with a hushed tone. "Well now that you mention it I did spy something suspicious a little earlier. In fact, I'm almost too afraid to leave the museum fearing they might be out lurking just outside. You'll... go and look for them won't you? I can wait here, where it's safe, I don't mind."

                    Take the bait you moron. 

                    • GizmoDuck
                      GizmoDuck

                      "Ms. Malicia," he nodded to her in greeting. "It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. " 

                      When she confided in him her  fear of... not being alone in a room with shiny expensive things he leaned in to hear her hushed tones better. My what big teeth you have...  TEETH. I said!  Okay? Settle down.  He nodded as she spoke his eyes glancing around at the emergency exits.

                      "Well that may have been but with how long this alarm has been going on there is a very good chance that the perpetrators have paraded right onto the premises. I'm afraid I can't leave you alone in good conscious Ms. Malicia.  I would feel more at ease if you were to come along with me as I seek out these fiends.  I'd hate for something to happen to you when I was previously engaged. Come along! Perhaps we'll find them in the Hall of Weasels!" 

                      He motioned for her to follow him and started to wheel off. 

                      • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                        Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                        The moment he turned his metallic back she face-palmed so hard that she sent herself flying backwards into the Echoes of Georgia O'Queefe display. With surprising lightning-speed she haphazardly rearranged the paintings and bronze sculpture, albeit more crooked and, in some cases, completely upside-down than before. Days from now this would lead to an 'artistic breakthrough in reinterpreting Ms. O'Queefe's iconic imagery' that would shake the foundations of the entire art community. 

                        Finally catching up to Gizmoduck, who seemed keenly oblivious and therefore impervious to all levels of subtlety, she added helpfully. "Maybe we should check the Gallery of Gold Galleons first? Or how about the Wing of Riches? Those sound far more promising..."

                        Maybe swing by the Blunt Objects Exhibit so I can swing by your skull. 

                        • GizmoDuck
                          GizmoDuck

                          "Ah you know all about the layout of the museum do you?  That's swell -" He commented brightly as he turned to her.  "-did you know the  name 'Wing of Riches' is deceiving because it is actually only named that because they were able to construct it due to a very generous donation-oh watch your step there that tripwire is actually part of an installation piece-by Richard Peck.  As a bit of a joke they loaded it with portraits and sculptures by other artists with the same first name.  Artists are quite eccentric aren't they?"

                          No mention that in addition to the aforementioned "Dick" paraphernalia this wing also contained the museum's rare gem display.  It was not much of an anecdote at any rate.

                          "No I'm sure that the Hall of Weasels is our best bet, you know the oldest weasel in the collection dates back to pre-hysterical times? It's said to be one of the oldest specimens on record, that's SURELY what has those sinister sycophants of Satan are salivating over.  Ah here we are." He stopped in the open archway where two dozen glass eyed taxidermy weasels dressed in various period clothing stared out at them.  "Hmmm, seems quiet.  I wonder if they've disguised themselves and hid among the exhibits!" He made a little "ooo" of intrigue. Before turning to her with a wide smile. "This is getting very interesting isn't it?  Just when I was starting to get bored! Where do you think we should look next?  The Applesauce jar Atrium?  The Foyer of Front Loader Washing Machines?  Ohh of what about Fountain of Fraternal Fighting?  That last one is very well sculpted if you haven't seen it yet, the sculptor's attention to the discomfort on the younger brother's face as he is locked in the noogie is astounding!"

                          He was practically bouncing with anticipation.  Where do we go where do we go where do we go? 

                          • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                            Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                            During his rather educational diatribe, Mal had shifted several times from sneaking up behind him and reaching for his neck, to quickly recollecting herself when he turned to speak to her, then back to looking for the nearest weasel to bludgeon him with, then counting backwards from ten under her breath as she debated whether Homicide would be a better breakthrough-crime for her newfound villainous reputation. 

                            "Gosh I don't know." She finally said. "They all just sound so fascinating, it's too hard to choose! Why don't you pick? In the meantime, I really need to use the lady's room, so perhaps I will go do that while you deliberate on the wealth of information you are certain to regale me with for countless... countless hours." She had already begun backing away toward the nearest exit. 

                            "I know I can count on you to make the best choice."

                            • GizmoDuck
                              GizmoDuck

                              “Ah well, perhaps I should escort you? Not into the restroom obviously-“ Yes. Obviously. “-but who knows where these reprobates have hidden themselves! You could be in peril the instant we’re parted.  Well, that’s decided!” Was it? “This way please Ms. Malicia!” he wheeled off toward the nearest Ladies room making sure not to lose her. She really did look miserable, she must really have to go! And the poor thing, she’s even clenching her fists! He’d have to try to distract her until they were closer and what better way to do that then with… SMALL TALK YAY!

                              “I haven’t seen you around Duckburg before, I think I’d remember you.  Are you visiting? Is that your natural hair color? It’s very striking!”  As was the rest of her, but that would be a little too forward. 

                              • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                Gosh, who knew a full bladder could make someone's eye twitch so sporadically. 

                                "I'm from out of town." She responded coolly. "But when I heard about this... intriguing... museum showcase I simply could not resist paying a visit to your cozy little burg. It's certainly different from most places I've frequented. I witnessed a young child assist an elderly woman across the street and someone held a door open for me." Truly unnerving. 

                                Unable to resist sticking her chest out further to add. "My hair is all-natural by the way, as is the rest of me." 

                                Finally, finally, they had reached the restroom. "Excuse me." Pardoning herself to disappear through the small corridor entrance to the lady's room with the expectation that he surely would not consider following her. 

                                • GizmoDuck
                                  GizmoDuck

                                  "Oh yes! The citizens of Duckburg are some of the nicest folks you could ever hope to meet! I'm glad you got to experience it first hand! I have no doubt the child was probably a Woodchuck-"although it had looked avian.  Was everyone in this place delusional?  Possibly. "-they're good kids! I try to go to a few of their meetings each year, it's important that the impressionable youth of today have a good role model, like me!"

                                  He nearly did follow her into the forbidden room, so caught up in his own story he wasn't really paying attention.

                                  "Ah- well I'll just wait out here.  If anyone is lying in wait in the loo just let me know and I will be sure to give them a sound talking to.  Then possibly a sound thrashing.  Depending on their preference and-" The door closed in his face. "-hostility level."  It was odd that none of the security guards were doing anything about the alarm.  Maybe they should go check on them, next? Hm, yes he'd make the suggestion when she'd no doubt come back out this door and not try to squeeze into the air vent or the small window that spilled out into a courtyard which was housing a collection called "beautiful bludgeons" that ... well it was pretty self-explanatory. 

                                  • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                    Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                    Ah, yes, escaping through the window. The theory was perfect. The execution... not so much.

                                    As Mal quickly discovered, when her lower half refused to follow the front half through the small vertical opening. She tried to back-up, only to discover her chest was also refusing to cooperate, leaving her dangling half-way through the window by her waist. Why was this happening?! 

                                    Calling for Gizmoduck's assistance was certainly not an option, given it would blow her cover and allow him ample time to arrest her. It seemed she would have to gently finesse her way out of this one...

                                    By ripping down the entire wall. Gently.

                                    "EVERYTHING IS FINE IN HERE PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE NOISE." Calling out to a potentially concerned Gizmoduck as she picked drywall from her hair and tried to squeeze one leg out of the window frame still situated around her waist like an ill-begotten hoola hoop. This in turn led to her jumping up and down as she balanced herself on one leg, until she settled for ripping the frame in half and throwing it out the window-hole. 

                                    Okay. New plan.

                                    "Help, Gizmoduck! Something terrible and unspeakable is suddenly now happening and you can now disregard my previous statement about not paying attention!" 

                                    She situated herself behind the door, poised and ready for his heroic entrance. 

                                    • GizmoDuck
                                      GizmoDuck

                                      Gizmoduck had never heard such distressing sounds come from a bathroom before.  Let a lone a ladies room.  Not that he was normally haunting the door outside the facilities of the fairer sex listening to what transpired within.  He flinched at all the crashing.

                                      "Did you happen to have the Hamburger Hippo Triple Fried Banana and Beef Bouillon Bonanza with Avocado and Vanilla Ice Cream? Because I think there's a joint lawsuit open for that-"

                                      BUT WHAT'S THIS! THE "H" WORD!

                                      "NEVER FEAR MS. MAL~IC~IA!"  Sung as "Mal-lish-eeee-ya!" in case you were wondering. "I WILL SAVE YOU!" 

                                       

                                      But... oh dear the LADIES room?  He better cover his eyes just to be safe.  He activated the blast shield over his visor and bumped into the wall blindly a few times before he found the door and flung it open holding his hands out in front of him like a drunk trying to find the meaning of life (aka the toilet)  in the dark.

                                      • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                        Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                        Oh how thoughtful of him. Now he wouldn't be able to see the toilet Mal was bringing down on his skull. The cumbersome commode shattered on impact with his helmet, sending fragments in every direction.

                                        "Oh my goodness! I am so sorry! My hand must've slipped! Let me just..."

                                        Pummeled by another bowl of pristine porcelain.

                                        "Gosh, I am such a butterfingers tonight." Said while leaning against the tower of toilets she had wrenched from their stalls. If the first two didn't daze him, perhaps another four would do the trick. 

                                        The bathroom, meanwhile, was slowly flooding from the torn piping left behind in the wake of this mass toilet theft. 

                                        • GizmoDuck
                                          GizmoDuck

                                          CRASH!

                                          He wobbled on his wheel at the impact of the first throne. Well, what in the world was-

                                          SMASH!

                                          The helmet was hammered down so hard on his head his bill bent down in comical cartoon fashion. 

                                          "AnNEe BuDdY sEe WhIcH wAy ThAt MuFfIn MaN sCaMpErEd OfF?" 

                                          All his blind wobbling landed him clutching a sink to stay upright. Oh his head was ringing like Notre Dame after Quasi's team won the World Cup. Pull it together Giz.  There's a damsel in distress to unstress. He shook his head vigorously to clear it out. 

                                          "Oof, careful where you step dear lady, it seems the facilities have become unstable. And... it's sounding a little sloshy in here.  Did you leave the tap on?" 

                                          • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                            Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                            What was this guy's head made out? Cement?!

                                            "OH for the love of-" The rest of the toilets lobbed in his direction all at once. "Catch!

                                            Hopefully the toilet juggling act would grant her enough time to exit the bathroom altogether, slamming the door shut behind her.

                                            Followed by the immediate sound of hammering and power drills as she sealed the room shut, leaving him to his watery fate. 

                                            Dusting her hands off with a smirk of satisfaction she turned to face the room directly across from the restrooms. How fortunate they had wandered straight into the most exciting area of them all: The Exhibit of Neat Priceless Treasures & Magical Artifacts (alliterative title pending). All personally curated by Scrooge McDuck himself. 

                                            Grinning widely, her fangs gleamed maliciously in the moonlight as she advanced on the display like a fox in the hen-house. Finally! The fun part of the trip...

                                             

                                            • GizmoDuck
                                              GizmoDuck

                                              Ah yes. The perfect death trap.

                                              The impressive shrine to the porcelain goddess that was piled on top of the hero shifted.  Nothing like being knocked face first into a foot of water that was slopping around a bathroom floor.  Good thing he'd had his flu shot... and rabies shot... and espresso shot. You never could be too sure.  With considerable effort he extracted himself from the excrement exportators and figuring that whomever was present in the room with him would have had ample time to rectify any state of undress, lifted the blast shield.  There was an avalanche of toilets and a cacophony of crashing caca catchers accented by a groan of pain and disgust as the hero righted himself.  

                                              Still a little wobbly, and most likely moderately concussed, he looked around the space.  

                                              "Ms. Malicia?"

                                              Gone. Like his dignity. Oh how he'd failed to protect her from these strange strange vandals! Oh woe and despair!  He tried to open the door as the water rose to mid tire.  OH SUCH CRUEL FATE! To not only completely fudge up his sworn duty but to also plop right into a certain creek without a paddle! (Poop jokes) He pounded his fist against the barricaded door. OH WHAT A WORLD WHAT A WORLD! He was going to drown in this museum of misery! His fans would be devastated! ...HE'D be devastated! IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY OUT...

                                              He paused his dramatics as a rubber duck floated by, carried by a current.  He followed it's path with his gaze. O-oh... aha... well... that was certainly a big hole in the wall... never mind the dying then.

                                               

                                              As Malicia's hand would hover over the sparkliest specimen of the specialist exhibition there would come from behind her a distressed little squeak.

                                              A very soggy Gizmoduck pointed the rubber duck at her, squeaking it once more for good measure.

                                              "You know... If I didn't know better I'd think you were the one trying to kill me back there just to sneak off and attempt some petty larceny."

                                               

                                              • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                                Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                                Her eyes were gleaming as brightly as the object in her midst, until she heard the familiar voice behind her. Shoulders sagged immediately in defeat, hunched over, she trembled like the mighty volcano seconds before eruption. 

                                                "Ghhhhh... are. you. kidding. me?!

                                                Spinning around to snatch the rubber waterfowl, its adorable squeaking quickly became a distressed whistle as it melted in her now-flaming hand. 

                                                "Of course I was the one trying to kill you! How much of a monumental moron can you possibly be?! Look at me!" A lavish gesticulation at herself. "Is there anything about me that doesn't spell out 'Breathtakingly Gorgeous Goddess of Evil and Wrongdoing'?!" 

                                                • GizmoDuck
                                                  GizmoDuck

                                                  Gizmoduck let out a little gasp as the duckie was pluckied from his grip and promptly liquefied. Poor  duckie. Squeak in Peace little friend. He could not dwell long on this tragedy however as he was insulted and instructed at by this very heated woman.

                                                  He slowly pointed a finger at her and his mouth opened and closed a few times as if trying to sift through any number of heroic diatribes to deal a palpable blow. After a few seconds he drew a deep breath through his nostrils and let her have it.

                                                  "I'm beginning to think that you were never even on a tour of these facilities. Let alone left behind after hours." 

                                                  World's greatest detective ladies and gentlemen.   He gasped again, his posture going rigid at the pure shock of the revelation he'd had.

                                                  "Wait! No! It was you who set off the alarms!  Because you were TRYING to ROB the museum! Ah-" he tapped the side of his visor with a smug little smile. "-thought you could outsmart me did you? Well I hope you learned your lesson.  Now let's just see about fixing some of the mess you made and apologizing to those guards and I'll let you off with a warning this time."

                                                  Yes! Well that was settled! Couldn't possibly argue with that!

                                                  • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                                    Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                                     Oh goody, a true gloating moment! The first of her villainous career!

                                                    "Yes! Twas I that set off the alarms!" She bragged. "Your paltry skeleton crew of guards didn't stand a chance against my greatness! Although I certainly didn't predict you would be skulking about like a glorified janitor!"

                                                    Or was it more like rolling? Whatever. This was her moment to shine!

                                                    "You want me to fix this mess? I have a much better idea..." Flaming fist sailed straight for his face.

                                                    "How about I take all of the valuables and you can take a one-way trip to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch! They won't be able to pick apart metal from the bone when I'm through with you!" 

                                                    • GizmoDuck
                                                      GizmoDuck

                                                      While everything leading up to this point may have suggested that the armored duck was about to get a hot fisting (that is to say slammed across the face with a fiery fist… naturally)  as a result of being too dense to see it coming… this was not at all what happened.   Gizmoduck was a hero, a very well respected one at that and while he may have had the superior intellect of a particularly dull subspecies of lichen he was very good at being a hero.  As soon as she began her rite of passage of monologing he had been readying his first action against the self-professed villainess. As her hand swung up at him he casually leaned back, bringing up a fireproof mitten to slide over her hand under it’s own propulsion and a few helping hands from his suit duct taped it on swiftly, this was all done quickly enough that as her torso would twist with the follow through he’d give her shoulder a little shove to keep the momentum going.

                                                      “Now, there’s no need to be rude.  Or violent.  I would much rather come to a peaceful accord.  If you’ll permit me I have some very moving literature about rejecting a life of crime! I think you may find it very enlightening! I'd just need to fetch it from my suit if you can refrain from fisticuffs for a moment.”