RP: Speed Hating

Following the events of Turnabout is Soufflé. Reserved initially for Malicia and Negaduck.

An appropriate time after their last meeting, one demoness would be left waiting outside the newly opened seafood restaurant, The Codfather. Maybe things would go smoother without an ambushed ex or psycho chef to disrupt the proceedings.

The fall night air was chilly, but that wasn't a problem for Malicia, was it? The cold never bothered her anyway.

Dallying drakes, on the other hand...

At five minutes past the planned rendezvous, however, she was greeted with a hearty slap to the.. well it doesn't matter too much.

What did matter was the hand belonged the disproportionately handsome hero in purple and pink she was expecting.

What a nice surprise.

    • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
      Queen Malicia of St. Canard

      Malicia had been glancing at the digital marquee across the street and pondering a long-unanswered philosophical question that baffled brilliant minds the world over: What amount of late qualified as 'fashionably late' and what amount was just late late. 

      Her thoughts smacked back to reality with a firm but steady jiggle, she rounded on the culprit with a raised hand. "How dare yo-- oh, Darkwing." Hand lowered immediately and claws retracted, her bill slid into a surprised smile.

      "I... wasn't expecting that from you. Perhaps I've been a bad influence?" She purred and leaned in to give him an affectionate peck on the cheek. 

      "I've missed you, darling. Even just one day apart and I simply ache for you." 

      • Negaduck

        A chuckle, and 'Darkwing' took her hand, spinning her into a dashingly low dip. Which was required, of course, to nuzzle into her neck playfully, indulging in the semi-naughtiness of such affection being witnessed by passersby, how well they fitted together.

        It was only when he had her worked up good and proper did he rumble against her ear:

        "Oh you'll ache properly by the time I'm through with you."

        That voice.

        Not even trying to hide it. And the winner for bad influence went to...

        • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
          Queen Malicia of St. Canard

          A delightful shiver ran through her body that coincided with that dark rumble. Was there such a thing as a double-swoon? Swoonfinity? Whatever the case may be, Darkwing was really upping his A-Game tonight. She was enjoying this uninhibited side to him. 

          Grabbing him by the lapels with an insatiable hunger she pulled him in close.

          "Forget dinner, Darkwing. Take me back to your place and we can have dessert." 

          • Negaduck

            The way he drank in the sight of her, the half-lidded leer... forget uninhibited, it was downright criminal.

            "I've got plenty of topping for you here, toots."

            A murmured promise that barely escaped before he closed the sliver of distance between their beaks and captured her in a wild embrace.

            Within a few moments of fervour, however, a switch seemed to flick, from passionate to painful. His grip tightened, viciously so, on some of her most sensitive spots. His position shifted to cut off bodily autonomy and prevent easy escape. It wasn't necessarily unpleasant to certain tastes, but it was distinctly not Darkwing.

            Neither was that laugh. That laugh that had begun to emanate from where his bill was muffled against her. That was distinctly evil

            At least one of them was having a good time.

            • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
              Queen Malicia of St. Canard

              Which she might've noticed had she not used the full force of her body to pin him against the wall of the alleyway they stood next to. Ravishing his neck with passionate kisses, small happy moans escaped her bill with each pinch and twist he made. Every so often through heady gasps she would murmur 'Darkwing' again and again. 

              One of them was having the best time, clearly. 

              So much so, that when their bills finally parted to give way for talking room, she gazed at him adoringly with her soft, dewey golden eyes. They seemed to glitter against the cityscape lighting. A true Disney moment happening here, folks. 

              "Darkwing Duck... I .... think that I might love you." 

              • Negaduck

                Those disgustingly dewey eyes met with flat annoyance.

                "How can you love him if you can't tell us apart!"

                That's right. Him. Us. Bit of a clue there, Malicia? Something to back up the painfully obvious sadistic tendencies? 

                And to think it was normally the males that were accused of thinking with their.. bills.

                • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                  Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                  "Us?" Eyes widened with a dawning realization.

                  "You mean that you... you're..." She took a step back cautiously, frowning. How could this be?

                   It was unthinkable. Unimaginable. Darkwing Duck was really...

                   "You're... you have multiple personality disorder?!" 

                  • Negaduck


                    To be fair, maybe that was an accurate description. But then he never did fair, did he?

                    "No, you boob-brained imbecile! I'm-"

                    Pulling down, from the off-camera space above his now fuming hat, a giant flashing neon sign. Screw it, not just one sign. Multiple signs. With arrows. And skulls. And those WARNING symbols for radiation. 




                    • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                      Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                      Blank stare.

                      "Well... I knew that! I was just... testing you, see."

                      A pause to let this whole situation sink in. 

                      "What was your strategy even? Pose as Darkwing so you could get in a few gropes? Granted, I can't blame you, given how irresistible I am, I suppose that I too would go to great lengths to run my hands down this perfect body..." Said with a flourish of claws travelling from chest to hips to thighs.  

                      "You must be truly desperate right now."

                      • Negaduck

                        Signs pushed back off camera. As much as they could have been handy to clobber her with.

                        "I wanted to thank you for doing your job properly, which is a lot easier demonstrated with Dorkwing's absence. If you couldn't stop yourself getting a piece of this-"

                        Let's not go into detail on his flourish.

                        "Then I won't tell if you won't."

                        Two could play at that game. And cheat. In both senses. 

                        • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                          Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                          "Do I need a big flashing neon sign to tell you it's never going to happen?" She spat. 

                          "Read my perfectly-sculpted lips: Darkwing Duck is my mallard of might now. He's my rakish rogue, my poultry of passion... all of this." Cue another lascivious flourish. "Belongs to him now." 

                          Bill upturned, she stood atop her tower of superiority and gazed down at the lowly lewd lech below her.

                          "He is everything you are not."

                          • Negaduck

                            "Exactly. He's a watered-down, lily livered copy of me, and you can try convincing yourself that the low-carb, no-sugar, slaughter-free version is all you want, but it'll never be as good - or as bad - for you as the real thing."

                            But hey, like I care.  

                            "I will let you in on one other difference though."

                            Leaning in to whisper, as if she hadn't noticed, "He's not here."

                            I was going to clue you in on why, however, on second thought, forget it. 

                            A swish of that stupidly purple cape and he turned to stroll away. 

                            "Enjoy your 'date'."


                            • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                              Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                              She opened her mouth but had no retort. Where was Darkwing?

                              Leaping forward to snag the cape in her claws she was ready to show off her best Tasmanian Devil impersonation.

                              "Where is he?!" 

                              • Negaduck

                                "I told you, you did your job." Plucking the purloined duds out of her mitts. "If you want to know more than that, this is not the place to talk."

                                A short while later, they had relocated to another eating establishment. The sort where eating actual food was not recommended. At least the music was.. loud?

                                "He's not dead." Broad swirl of a drink as he reclined back in the booth. "Not that I know of anyway, although a horde of kitten rescuers may have a different perspective on the matter." 

                                Yes because those generally came in hordes.

                                "The virus was pretty simple. Take Darkwing's crime alerts and reprogram the location for a totally different part of the city. I pull off a robbery in Webb St, for example, he's sent to the Adopt-a-Fluff Con in Main thinking there's an armed hostage situation."

                                Crashing in to random peaceful settings doing wonders for his popularity, no doubt.

                                "It was that or programming a bunch of warheads to home in on his location."

                                Shrug. Cold blooded murder, mass hysteria, all good wins. Except somehow this was probably the option Malicia preferred.

                                • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                  Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                  That....... was actually quite ingenious. And nowhere near as deadly or terrible as Mal had predicted. Her shoulders relaxed as she dipped a nacho into the bowl of mush that could sparsely be identified as guacamole. 

                                  "Won't he eventually figure out the problem after it happens repeatedly? Surely he'll deduce there is something wrong with the system and attempt to fix it..." 

                                  Leading Darkwing on a wild goose chase was tolerable, though. More importantly it made Mal feel considerably less guilty about her role in Negaduck's scheme. 


                                  • Negaduck

                                    A few of their fellow patrons had started to side-eye the mallard in the mauve. Wasn't that that vigilante guy? What was he doing in this kind of place, watching the performers with lazy familiarity? Their suspicious glances were returned with a grin and touch of the hat brim in mock salute. Anything to mess with his double's reputation.

                                    "Eventually, sure. But with Duncewing's style of 'deduction' it'll be a few days, minimum..."

                                    The duck wouldn't know an Occam's Razor if it slit his throat, although one could dream.

                                    "Plenty of time for us to have a little fun."

                                    • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                      Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                      "Us." That portion of the sentence did not escape her.

                                      Leaning forward conspicuously she narrowed her eyes. "Just what advantage do I get out of assisting you in whatever foolhardy crime you have planned?" Because if I'm to even consider the possibility of committing a crime, it had better be worth my while.

                                      "Of course..." She began dreamily. "I could imagine it now: Darkwing catches me, and decides to 'punish' me for being such a naughty girl. He throws me across his lap, pulls up my dress and grabs a paddle, then..." 

                                      • Negaduck


                                        The distinct sound of a villain vomiting into a bowl of guacamole.

                                        Clearly the effect she had been going for, he recovered, at least physically. "Whatever it is, it can hardly be as criminal as that."

                                        Not that any level of depravity really shocked him, but the concept that his most hated enemy could share his tendencies in that regard? That was just.. just... wrong. 

                                        Swiping a passing drink for a gargle, back to actual crime. "Sweetclaws, I'm not talking a single paltry swipe job here. I'm talking an unstoppable crime bender."

                                        Crime bender. Had a nice ring to it. 

                                        "And of course I'd be offering a selection of targets of your choosing as an expression of gratitude for making this entire thing possible."

                                        And for no other possible agenda. 

                                        • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                          Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                          His regurgitation episode barely acknowledged, aside from her tossing the spoiled gauc onto a passing tray, which the unsuspecting waitress would be delivering to another table. 

                                          "In other words... my own personal shopping spree?" Ooooh fun!

                                          "Well... there are a few small things I've been wanting for myself. Nothing major, mind you..." She began.

                                          "The Museum of History is putting on their 'witchcraft through the ages' exhibit right now and they have some high-profile pieces that are rumored to be enchanted, cursed, possessed, and priceless." My, what a combination. "But they've quadrupled-down on security as well..." She furrowed her brows.

                                          "But... perhaps you could be of assistance." The perfect distraction. 

                                          "Not to mention the St. Canard liquor bureau has that priceless bottle of 1727 Liqueur Whisky on display right now... it's one of the oldest known liqueurs in existence and all they do is stand around and stare at it!" Total blasphemy in her books. Liquor is for drinking not staring at!

                                          • Negaduck

                                            "Hooch and hexes?"

                                            Could've been worse. Could've been shoes. Maybe a stockpile of right ones.

                                            Maybe not the time to bring that up. Good times though, good times.

                                            "Works for me. Twenty eighty spilt."

                                            Said with an air of finality, a toast even, to his masterstroke of negotiation. 

                                            • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                              Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                              She snorted, which in turn caused a round of coughing as the liquor she'd been holding in her mouth, had, unfortunately, migrated to her nasal cavity. 

                                              Twenty-eighty? Was he for real? Of course he was, the greedy piece of garbage.

                                              But... she also knew the value of quality over quantity. Let him take the vast majority of their findings, so long as she got her claws on the most valuable objects. 

                                              Besides, who said she had to stick to their bargain? 

                                              "Thirty-Sixty." She pushed hoarsely. Giving in without a fight would be kind of suspicious, after all. 

                                              • Negaduck

                                                Thirty-sixty? What kind of empty-headed harlot was she? Even the thickest of thugs knew Negaduck did not barter over booty!

                                                Unless, that was, there was far greater booty at stake.

                                                "What the- fine." Biting the avarice that came so automatically. "Since being the presence of so divine a creature puts me in a generous mood."

                                                So generous and not at all related to another set of numbers that did not add up to one hundred. 

                                                "How nice will it be to enjoy ourselves interruption free." 

                                                Because if Darkwing was occupied elsewhere, who else would be stupid enough to crash the party?