RP: Red Pickled Herrings

((Continuing on from the Fearsome Five's Loosing the Plot. Reserved for Negs n Mal at the moment but drop me a line if interested!))


A dark night in St Canard because nights were rarely bright. The street lamps glinted off the white clean exterior of one of the most significant food manufacturing centres in the city.

The McDuck Pickle Processing Plant Factory Terminus - or PPPFT for short.

Negaduck survelled it smugly. Oh there was some level of security - mostly to prevent the anyone ducking in for a quick snack - but nobody could have anticipated him.

Out came the bolt cutters. "This is going to put them into a real pickle."

Open with the worst pun possible, why not. It wasn't like anyone was around to hear it.

    • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
      Queen Malicia of St. Canard

      The clanging gate signaled the arrival of a security guard, who was making his way to the rear of the factory. Judging by his low chuckle, he was talking to a second person. This was confirmed moments later by a sugary-sweet laugh.

      "Why, I cannot thank you enough for doing this big favor for me." A silky feminine voice carried across the grounds. "Why, I'd be in a real pickle otherwise."

      "Think nothing of it, ma'am. An awful shame about that rampaging rhinoceros destroying all yer decorative jars right before your big day."

      "You're certain you won't get in trouble for this...?"

      "Ah, heck! These are the duds -- all tossed aside and ready to be trashed anywhoo. An awful waste really. At least this way, they'll be going somewhere worthwhile."

      "Oh, you are too sweet. If I wasn't already engaged, I'd wonder why somebody hadn't snapped you up yet!"

      "Aw, shucks... yer making me blush."

      • Negaduck
        Negaduck

        Zipping behind a pillar at the first unexpected noise, only to nearly faceplant the pillar at the first unexpected sight. 

        Really. What had he done to deserve this. 

        "Not this one again..."

        What did she want in a pickle factory anyway?

        He could guess...

        "Hmph. This is going to require a different approach..."

        Not long after, one of those big factory doors slid silently open.

        And sent an entire factory's worth of barrels tumbling straight out in the direction of Malicia and her jars. 

        Knew how to bowl a lady off her feet, didn't he. 

        • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
          Queen Malicia of St. Canard

          The guard had left Malicia to her own devices, having returned to his post. She sifted through the jars, eagerly placing them in a sack she had brought with her. "Yes, these will do quite nicely." She mused to herself.

          Her attention jarred from the jars when she caught on to a fast-approaching rumble. Turning around to locate the source, which, unfortunately, collided with her.

          She let out a surprised screech as the barrels slammed into her and the jars, causing them to topple over and smash onto the floor. Raising her arms to shield herself, she held her ground until finally, the avalanche came to a stop, with the demonness buried beneath the pile. 

           

          • Negaduck
            Negaduck

            Standing at the cause of the chaos was, of course, Negaduck. 

            "Sorry to crash the party but we do really need to get this show on a roll."

            So many mixed metaphors! Argh! It was almost as if he delighted in causing physical pain.

            ... wait that's exactly what it was. 

            Wasting no time, he slipped inside with one enormous pickle in hand to go do more of just that.

            • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
              Queen Malicia of St. Canard

              That voice. Those horrible, horrible --argh-- puns.

              Why, why, why did Negaduck always seem to appear when she was trying to do something productive? What corporeal entity did she piss off to deserve this punishment?

              Don't answer that.

              The pile of barrels shattered into splinters with one, swift, rage-induced punch. Chest heaving with barely-contained rage, Malicia rose from battered pile of wood. Glancing around, she caught sight of the broken jars and bit her tongue to suppress a shriek.

              Deep breaths, Mal. Deep. breaths.

              Cracking her knuckles, she headed inside the factory to tail the pickle-pounding crook.

              Things were about to get bitter.

              • Negaduck
                Negaduck

                There was no way he expected her to follow him inside. At worse, he assumed her incapacited - or dead, whatever; at best she should have had the sense to hightail it out of there as soon as he arrived on the scene. 

                It would be Darkwing level stupidity to charge straight into a Negaduck hot zone. 

                "Where is that damn main supply chute?" Bent over examining the bowels of the automated machinery. "Don't tell me those Quackapedia schematics were a total gherkin."

                The things you could find on the internet these days. 

                • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                  Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                  He would suddenly feel a pair of clawed hands shove him forward with that extra dose of super-powered strength.

                  "One more pun out of that oversized bill of yours and I'll leave you to brine in the pickle juicer!" She howled.

                  • Negaduck
                    Negaduck

                    Missed ending up in the vat by thhhaat much as his head with that oversized hat clipped the steel canopy good.

                    DOOOOOOONNNGGGGGGG!!!

                    Negaduck should've known better. Really, standing over machinery was probably prohibited in the Evil Overlord's rule book somewhere. 

                    The only thing on his mind though, as he stumbled backwards in a reverberating daze, was the multitude of tiny pickles dancing around in circles  about his temples. 

                    "Nn-nn-ngghh..!"

                    No puns at least!

                    • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                      Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                      "You broke my jars, and now I'm going to break you." She had advanced on him again, cracking her knuckles.

                      "Just what is your deal anyway? Are you stalking me now? Not satisfied after your little shoe tirade?" She towered over him, demanding an answer.

                      "You're persistent, I'll give you that..."

                      • Negaduck
                        Negaduck

                        Whether it was the word 'break' or the looming figure large enough to block out the light, Negaduck came to his senses in time to hear her questions. And to have the sense to back away.

                        Oh a wall. Fantastic.

                        "Stalking you? Please. You're nothing but a thorn in my side." Said the guy who must've enjoyed rolling around in rose bushes judging from how thorny he was. "This raid is part of a bigger plan which has been in the works for weeks."

                        What? Raising a pickle army? Finding a canned audience?

                        "You may be the size of a planet, honey, but we don't all revolve around you."

                        Ready to dodge in three, two, one...

                        • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                          Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                          She took another swipe at him with those massive claws, like a slow-moving grizzly bear out for blood.

                          "Consider your plans rescheduled!" She snarled. "Permanently."

                          • Negaduck
                            Negaduck

                            Duck. Or was that drake? Either way, his skull avoided a shredding, but his hat wasn't so lucky.

                            Thanks to cartoon physics however, the paper chain cut out effect didn't long, dissolving into only a slightly ruffled look as he tumbled away. 

                            "Oh yeah?"

                            Recovering his footing to recover a pickle pipeline and direct its contents machine-gun style at Malicia.

                            "Well dill with it!"

                            Dear gods, it was getting worse. 

                             

                            • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                              Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                              His hard pickles splattered across her face, the force pushing her back somewhat. So he wanted to play dirty did he?

                              FWOOSH. A spiral of flames sent in his direction -- and the make-shift pickle gun. 

                              Hopefully he had forgotten about the burny part of Mal's repetoire.

                              • Negaduck
                                Negaduck

                                He had indeed, and was so shocked by the awesome power - that was, cheap showy effect - that he nearly forgot to dodge, and the blast successfully collided with the pickley vats.

                                Resulting in a huge, dramatic... nothing.

                                Aaaand back to smug. "Talk about a misfi--" BOOOM! "--REEEEEE!!"

                                Somehow, despite all probability, the flame had triggered an explosion post comedically timed delay and sent burning brine everywhere.

                                And somewhere, in amongst the flying flaming pickles and indecipherable yelling, Negaduck was running slash rolling about in a vain attempt to beat the fire off his costume.

                                "HOW IS THIS HAPPENING PICKLES AREN'T EVEN FLAMMABLE."

                                Touche?

                                • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                  Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                  Which only caused Malicia to cackle maniacally, all the while the entire factory quickly catching fire and beginning its descent into burning rubble.

                                  "That'll teach you to call me fat!"

                                   

                                  • Negaduck
                                    Negaduck

                                    Maniacally? Anyone would think she was a villain.

                                    Props for doing his work for him though.

                                    "What is it with you Macawber women?!" Not entirely grateful for needing to wring mysteriously explosive brine out of his cape as everything came crashing down around him. "At least the other two are worth the trouble!" 

                                    Malicia had no excuse. What use could he possibly have for a fire powered, hot tempered, self centred demoness anyway? He already had a flamethrower and it wasn't in the habit of crushing his spleen with a tank!

                                    • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                      Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                      "Other two?"She knew Morgana was in town but who was the second...?

                                      Swooping in on him curiously, her fangs gleamed as she flashed a devilish smile.

                                      "Aw, now don't tell me you've been sharing yourself with other women. And here I thought you only had it out for little 'ol me~"
                                       

                                      • Negaduck
                                        Negaduck

                                        Aside from the brief shock realisation she had been listening to his grumblings, Negaduck took that in his stride.

                                        When his stride wasn't involving dodging bits of burning building, that was.

                                        "I want to stab lots of things. Mostly for business reasons."

                                        And he took his business very seriously.

                                        "But you I'd do-" A flash of steel, something sharp to pin her against somewhere convenient. 

                                        "-off the clock."

                                        A compliment, really. Although being on the receiving end of that killer smile may not have felt that way.

                                        • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                          Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                          She ran her claw down the blade and pouted. "But it's so...... small.

                                          Really, not the best time to be making size jokes. What with the surrounding fire, crumbling beams, and sharp implement dangerously close to her body.

                                          With Negaduck however, she simply couldn't resist.

                                          "I'm sure it's suits Morgana just perfectly, though. Or..." Trailing off, hoping he might finish that sentence with a name. I've got a massive family, you gotta be specific with Macawbers!

                                           

                                          • Negaduck
                                            Negaduck

                                            "Ari -whatsherface- Ariana," he helpfully concluded. "And who cares what suits them!"

                                            Drawing low to let her in on a little not-so-secret.

                                            "Once my fun is done, they'll be dumped in the garbage like a bag of old pickle peelings."

                                            Tracing a line around the curve of her hip because he could, not because the phrase pickle peelings naturally lent itself to seduction.

                                            No, evil did that fine.

                                            But speaking of evil...

                                            "Just like where you're going now!"

                                            Another flash of steel as his spare hand thrust to gut her up the middle like.. a pickle? Because he was using a pickle cutter?

                                            Points for improvisation, surely. 

                                            • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                              Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                              She managed to dodge -- just barely -- his tiny but mighty stabbing implement.

                                              All the while her mind elsewhere. Ariana?! Here? In St. Canard? And why in the world would she ever be caught up working with this nut-job? At least, the Ariana she had known, years ago, would never be the type to align herself with someone so... so...

                                              No description needed as she made to dodge him again. "And here I thought you enjoyed spending all this quality time with me!"

                                              She paused realizing her dodge had not been fast enough and his swipe down the middle had claimed a casualty: The front of her dress was torn wide open. She frowned at the shredded piece of fabric.

                                              "If you wanted me out of my clothes so badly the least you could do is buy me dinner first. So rude."

                                              • Negaduck
                                                Negaduck

                                                Snarling like a pickle slicer wielding beast.

                                                "I would have but we're trying to bankrupt McDuck, not the buffet bars!"

                                                Expository and insulting, double whammy! 

                                                That would probably be the last of those though. His frustration was rising to a climax, to the extent his decision to make a low lunge to knock her into a wrestle had likely been made without due consideration for certain powers, say, superstrength, or the ability to spontaneously combust into flame.

                                                Not that a little thing like that could stop Negaduck! 

                                                • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                                  Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                                  She let out surprised yelp as she hit the ground. For such a short guy, he could throw a lot of force behind him. It had taken the wind out of her, and it took her a few seconds to catch her bearings.

                                                  Flat on her back now, hair splayed out like the burning wreckage around them, she tried to take hold of his arms to stop his flailing and punching, like one might grab a toddler throwing a tantrum.

                                                  "Your insults are as bad as your puns!" She snapped. "Do you really believe that you can beat me? You're just a Normal! I am superior to you in every way!"

                                                  • Negaduck
                                                    Negaduck

                                                    ((OOC: Okay this is going to sound worse than it is, rather than vice versa. Stay with me! Or don't, this could get messy.))

                                                    That he could not conduct grevious bodily harm did nothing for his mood. The fact that he could not because a mere female, 'Normal' or otherwise, was holding him back made it infinitely worse. 

                                                    Superior. What a laugh. Lying there, trying to get a leg over him, her costume all ripped up like that...

                                                    Maybe that could give him an opening. 

                                                    "Except-" Glare burning into her own. "I know your weakness."

                                                    And faster than anyone could say 'shoes', he pressed his bill against hers. 

                                                    Assuming Negaduck was not immediately set on fire, it would be a savage embrace, hate and anger and a little bit of lust rolled into one. A kiss.. attack. 

                                                    And assuming Malicia would either permit or be shocked into releasing his hands to explore her curves, soon enough something long and hard would be pressing against her inner thigh. 

                                                    What? There was a burning building collapsing around them, couldn't afford to waste time!

                                                    • Queen Malicia of St. Canard
                                                      Queen Malicia of St. Canard

                                                      Her eyes widened and her grip tightened on him. But so did her mouth as she deepened the kiss.

                                                      Too deep, perhaps. Her fangs were digging into his lower lip and she was slowly, but surely, biting down. Soft and gentle she was not.

                                                      Her claws raked themselves down his arms and then snaked themselves behind his back, leaving heat marks.

                                                      Her jaw tightened, just daring him to try something. One wrong move and you'll lose that silver tongue of yours, you egotistical jack-ass.