Fearsome Fanmail

Fanmail for the bad boys.

Sharonna McQuack asks:

Rather than wasting everyone’s time with flattery and praise (because most of you know how awesome you are and others *cough-bushroot* should be figuring it out soon enough) I’ll just get right to it.

Negaduck; What would you do without Darkwing?  I don’t mean that in a distasteful NegaduckxDarkwing sort of fashion, but in an antithesis of polar opposites sort of way.  Don’t you think life would become rather boring without someone intercepting you every now and again?

Bushroot;  What would you have done had you not become a mutant plant-duck?  I’ve always been curious as to whether you would have exacted revenge as a duck the same as you did as a plant-duck?  A man can only be pushed so far.

Megavolt; Why do you hate to be called Sparky so much?  It seems to be a trigger word that leads you off the train of thought.  Have you thought of desensitizing yourself to it?

Quackerjack; It’s not a question, but I love your history and trivia dolls.  Even the little reapers are cute.  Perhaps, with the aid of the internet, you could pander to a wider demographic and return QuackerJack toys to the market.  Something to consider.

Thank you all for your time.


Negaduck: What would I do without Dripwing constantly jumping in with his lame speeches and stupid gadgetry? Let me count the ways. I would spend my days rolling in money. In fact, I’d probably jack Scrooge McDuck’s money bin right out from under his wrinkly liver-spotted feet. Then maybe a little world domination here and there… perhaps take a vacation somewhere tropical.

Yeah, I think I can do just ducky without that alliterating airhead. I’ll savor the moment I finish him off for good.

Bushroot: The only reason I became a mutant is because the funding was cut short on my project and in my desperation I turned to using myself as a lab rat. But I guess if the university had kept me around, I would’ve eventually found the answer to mammalian photosynthesis. Then Dr. Dendron might’ve finally noticed me, and maybe we even could’ve gone on a date. *sigh* A plant can still dream, can’t he?

But I digress, I don’t think I would’ve exacted revenge on Dr. Larson and Dr. Gary had I remained the same. Having these unique abilities gave me the ‘push’ I needed, and at that point it wasn’t like I had anything left to lose. It’s somewhat ironic that in order to gain a spine I had to lose my old one!

Megavolt: Isn’t it obvious?! My name isn’t Sparky, it’s Megavolt! Who calls themselves that?! And that infernal Darkwing Duck is always taunting me with that insipid name! Oooh… when I get my hands on him, let me tell you. The only one sparking will be him after I’ve roasted his corpse twice over!

Quackerjack: All this new-fangled technology really roasts my rumbledthumps! I prefer the good ‘ol fashioned store front, and then I can watch everyone enjoy their toys in person! Besides I heard from some smart guy that the Internet’s tubes get clogged a lot and then everything moves slow and boooring!

Anon asks:

Dear Fearsome Five.

If you were to have a child/children, how would you raise him/her/them?


Negaduck: Simple. I wouldn’t raise them. I’ve got better things to do with my time than hang around some useless brat.

Bushroot: Plants and children are alike in that respect. They need food, water, and sunlight to grow, along with plenty of TLC! But er… I think I’m getting ahead of myself. Before I can have a little sproutling of my own, I need to find a wife. Though I suppose I COULD grow myself a kid…

Liquidator: The Liquidator finds it highly unlikely he’ll be able to spawn the CEOs of tomorrow when his major body organs are gone like a clearance sale! Hypothetically speaking though, I’d teach the little ones how to count from one dollar to a trillion! They’d be shipped off to the finest business schools to learn the essentials of running a multi-million dollar industry. And, of course, they’d be inheriting the Bud Flood corporation!

Quackerjack: Ooh, what a splendid idea! If I had a kiddie of my own, he could test-drive all my newest toys! AND I wouldn’t have to pay him!

Megavolt: What do you mean ‘if’?! I already have thousands of luminescent children! They’re the light of my life! My little sparkly warklies get the best care from Papa Megavolt, no thanks to all you ungrateful monsters! Poor wittle bubblies, forced to work endlessly just so these ungrateful monsters can see in the dark. Haven’t you ever heard of child labor laws?!

Carmesi asks:

To all villains:
My name is Carmesi, the new black market business villain for St. Canard. As you know, you’re going to find my ”commercials” weekly, in case you find my stuff interesting. From blueprints of all banks or museums buildings to the most dangerous weapons you desire to get. You may contact me with the extra note you’ll find with this letter. (Each letter has a different direction.)
Signed,
Carmesi.

*Weapon of the moment*

Are you the kind of villiains who is disgusted and hates this lovey-doodle-icky day called Valentine’s Day?What would you think if love can be a weapon? Impossible? Not with our latest weapon: The Love Pistol.Each gun has with it 20 darts with a high strung love potion whom it made the victim falls madly in love with the very first one that one sees. Too cliche? Try to provoke a love triangle.This weapon is perfect to conquer a very rich person who will not think twice to give you all the money and valuable objects you desire to steal; perfect for the lonely bad guy and the gold digger.

Ask for your Love Pistol before Valentines Day and you’ll get for free a pack 10 of grenades to break hearts.

(Specially thanks to Bushroot for the help for making the love potion. A lovely evil plan by ~Maxime-Loonatic on deviantART)


Re: Love NOtion

Negaduck: A LOVE potion?! Oh HECK NO. I’ve already had my fill of love potions and it ain’t happening again! Bushbrain, you’re gonna pay for putting this on the market!

Bushroot: Eep! S…sorry boss! I didn’t know you had previous experience with love potions! Er… do you wanna talk about it?

Negaduck: Who are you, my psychiatrist?! All right doc, it’s time for some anger management featuring you as the punching bag. Stand still, this is gonna hurt reeeeal bad.

Bushroot: EYAAAAGH!

Doctor Slug asks:

Addressing the syndicate of villainous evil commonly (and sometimes affectionately) known as the Fearsome Five:

Phew! What a header there. Salutations, gentlemen, long time no hear! And, in some of your cases, not at all. Doctor Slug writing to you from his latest hideout outside the city. (I naturally won’t say WHERE, just in case this falls into the wrong hands. Don’t bother checking the IP address, took care of that too.) I hope all has been going well. I was beginning to worry when I saw a certain someone slip down on the most wanted list. I would be sadden if you gave up, I quite enjoy reading about your exploits!

That aside, my main reason for writing was this: the holidays are coming up! And with that, I have decided to throw yet another shindig this year. Just something to keep up the morale, you know; and maybe even spark future team ups among the dark side of the community. (It’s always pleasant to see the young people joining together for such a noble cause! Haha!) As always, there will be plenty to eat and drink. So you can always not bother to socialize, and at least get a warm festive meal.

RSVP in advance, and do let me know of all your dietary needs! Your comfort is my priority, after all.

Sincerely Sinister and Slimey.
THE Doctor Slug


Re: Slug Life

Megavolt: Dr. D! I’ve been wondering where you went, I was beginning to think you shriveled up on us, eh-heh. I’m looking forward to your party, but can I bring a date? I met this really nice fax machine a few nights ago, and I REALLY want to impress her by showing her around your new digs.

Quackerjack: OOOOH I LOVE YOUR PARTIES~! Can you get Mrs. Slug to make that smashing casserole of hers? And that delightful fruity punch! Mr. Banana Brain just came up with a new set of Knock-Knock jokes that will make him the belle of the ball! Here’s a sneak preview:

Mr. BB: Knock knock!

Quackerjack: Who’s there?

Mr. BB: Banana!

Quackerjack: Banana who?

Mr. BB: Banana split my head in half with an axe so ice creamed!

Quackerjack: Hwuahaha! Sheer comedic genius! Isn’t he just a riot?!

The Liquidator: There is a 100% guarantee that The Liquidator will be attending, no refunds! So long as Tuskerninni doesn’t overload on the punch this time and throw up inside of me. Running myself through the city’s water purification system is no way to celebrate the holidays!

Bushroot: P…p…party? You mean with other villains a..a..and girls? Well… since the rest of the guys are going, I guess I shouldn’t be such a scaredy blossom. I mean, what can possibly go wrong? Except for maybe Negaduck getting into another scuffle with Steelbeak that almost put us all on FOWL’s hit-list. Or me accidentally stepping on Malicia’s tail and nearly getting turned to kindling. And Lilliput’s ants don’t have any respect for personal boundaries.

Er… on second thought, I’ll get back to you on this whole RSVP thing.

Negaduck: Doctor Slug! Old buddy, old pal. Wouldn’t miss your little get-together for the world. How thoughtful of you to include the good ‘ol Fearsome Five. You’re just so considerate.

My dietary needs? Salt. Lots and lots of salt. In fact, why don’t you just leave out, say… an entire vat of salt? A vat made out of copper would be preferable. I have this… condition, see, and I need copper to help with my digestive needs.

Looking forward to the event. No doubt it’s going to be totally killer. Heh heh heh… hahahah… MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!

April asks:

All – what do you guys look for in a girl?

Negsy – i love your evil awesomeness. what is the best insult you gave Darkwing Dork?

Megavolt – forget what everyone says you rock

Liquidator – i love your voice. would you ever do a talk show?

Bushroot and Quackerjack – You are both so adorable, do either of you need a girlfriend cuz i like coffee, i like tea, i like toys and they like me i hate video games love all plants (roses are my fav) hate that terror of the english language Darkwing Dork, and im mental ( Multi personality )

—–Love April


Negaduck: How can I choose just one? All of my insults are sheer brilliance! As for chicks, it’s pretty simple: They have to be hot, must know their way around a thermonuclear detonator, and shouldn’t expect me to stick around for long. Bahahaha!

Megavolt: Well I definitely prefer the friendly traditional incandescents. Those fancy pant eco-friendly compact fluorescents just think they’re all that and a bag of hazardous chemicals! …That was what you meant by girls, right?

Liquidator: A talk show would be profitable. Just give me time to bribe the television networks!

Bushroot: I do wish I could find a girlfriend but uhm… I’m not so sure about this whole Internet dating thing. After this one incident I had on PlentyOfBirds I’ve decided to stick to the locals. Now if only they wouldn’t run away screaming…

Quackerjack: I dunnnno. You girls DO have the dreaded cooties. They say 9 out of 10 boys fall victim to the disease. Have YOU had your cootie shot today?

Abby asks:

Dear Fearsome Five

I am a big fan of yours. I have so many questions to ask but I am going to try my best & keep this short.

Negaduck – You are my favorite out of the 5! Actually you are my favorite villain of all. I’m sure you know everything about Darkwing but you never use that information against him. Why not? Also were you always known as Negaduck ever since you were born or did you have another identity at 1 time? We have never seen you without your mask so I thought I’d ask. Last question do videos like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9xPGOGEu3s&feature=related bug you?

Megavolt – I can tell you don’t like working with Drake Mallard at your job but how well did you 2 know each other in high school? Were you 2 ever friends or enemies or did you just not pay much attention to each other? Oh & this might seem kind of random but at the Petco we usually go to there use to be this big beautiful bird there named Elmo but I think they finally sold him.

Bushroot – This might seem a little crazy to you but ever since I was little I have been afraid of flowers. The movie Jumanji gave me nightmares. Its the purple flower that shoots poison that really scared me. Have you ever thought about making a flower like that? If you do be careful!

Quackerjack – In The Haunting of Mr. Bananabrain when you & Darkwing escaped you seemed kind of knocked out. Were you aware that you were in Darkwing’s hideout once you 2 were out? Another question I want to ask you is have you ever heard of the online Disney game Toontown? I have been trying to put together Toontown versions of the Fearsome Five & so far the others were easy but you are kind of hard. I am not sure what color to make you. White is not an available color. I know you don’t like video games but I’m sure making a Quackerjack in Toontown would make it a lot better.

Liquidator – I don’t really have a question for you but I do think you are awesome!

Thanks for taking time out of your evil schedule
Abby


Re: Dear Abby

Negaduck: Maybe I know, maybe I don’t. I ain’t tellin’. Alls I’m gonna say is that I was born baaaaaad to the bone, baby.

Do me a favor and make more videos of me punching Darkwing. Repeatedly.

Megavolt: Drake Mallard was a nudnik even in high school! A really weird one too. I didn’t really bother with him, we ran in different social circles.

Bushroot: I can’t blame you, that’s one fierce flora! The thought never occurred to me, but I have created some similar specimens.

Quackerjack: Darkwing has a hide-out?! Huh. That explains a lot of things… hee! And me… in a video game? Blasphemy! I say you make a cardboard diorama of this “Toon Town” and use that instead!

The Liquidator: Admiration is always appreciated!

Andy asks:

I’m new to your email but I only have a few questions for you guys.

-Negaduck: Have you ever wondered about traveling to my world? Are you and Darkwing Duck cousins?

-Megavolt: I’ve always wondered if you colud help me with my science next year.I stink at science.

-Quackerjack: I love toys myself and I hope we can be friends.I’ll even test out your new line of toys.

-Bushroot: I always thought of you as a misunderstood scientist and when I’m not busy we could hang out.

-Liquidator: Can you talk without that announcer tone?

Write back soon.

Your biggest fan,
Andy


Re: Tall order

Negaduck: If I had a portal I’d travel everywhere. Of course, I would eventually take over and enslave your entire planet. Hope ya’ll don’t mind.

HAH! Me? Related to that purple pansy? Don’t bet your life on it. Really. Don’t. I never lose a bet.

Megavolt: Oooooh, you’re not going to beat me up and hang me off the flag pole if I refuse are you? Memories of high school, flooding back…

Quackerjack: Oh-hoh! You will?! That’s great! Because I just came up with this really fantastic exploding putty, and I’m curious how many blocks it’ll take out, hee-hee!

Bushroot: A lot of people seem to think I’m misunderstood. I guess I am, in some ways… especially where my experiments are concerned. Someday the world will realize the usefulness of using photosynthesis in place of eating!

Liquidator: The Liquidator responds to this query with a likely no!…And also cannot seem to stop speaking in third person.